Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
