I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Randomize
