What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Randomize
