glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
God, you're like boner-b-gone
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
