Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
