the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize