from now on my penis is your penis
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
Randomize
