those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Randomize
