Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
