i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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