i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize