that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
its liver damage thursday
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize