i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Apparently you make a good broom.
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
3 2 1 whiskey
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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