No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
I would just like to go ahead and accept my slut of the year award.
It's like 10 times better than an Oscar
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
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