nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
The best revenge is premature balding
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
lit a joint with my parents wedding matches today, this is what happens when you're out of lighter fluid. didnt even feel guilty.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
