and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
Randomize
