put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
