Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Randomize
