fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
Actually let's just focus our energy on not getting committed to a psych ward.
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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