That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize