Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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