I just pynch a tree in the face
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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