if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
THERE ARE SO MANY GREAT DICKS IN THE WORLD. HOW DID I NOT DISCOVER THIS SOONER!?
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
