I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
