her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I supernannyed him into submission
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
