what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
