remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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