dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
