Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
