Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
Randomize
