Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
ETSY JUST SENT ME AN EMAIL WITH THE SUBJECT "SUMER ROMANCE" I'M BEYOND FUCKING DONE
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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