Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
Randomize
