no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
