he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
can we just punch him in the dick and call it a victory for feminism
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
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