every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
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