I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
I made out with a guy because he ate a grape lollipop and he tasted delicious... not my proudest moment.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Randomize
