SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Randomize
