I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
That basically sounds like the worst party of my life, and I'm including my brother's World of Warcraft themed birthday party.
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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