I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I guarantee that wasn't the first penis someone placed on her forehead.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
