Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
