bahahahaha i would laugh soo hard if someone did this for me hahahaha this guy would become my best friend
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
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