Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
