Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
I didn't know how wild the party was going to be until one girl brought her pet raccoon
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
Randomize