last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
