Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Randomize