My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
