So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
He broke through his window then signed his name on the biggest peice of glass from it. I think they framed it and named it 'best party ever'
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