Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
