He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
