I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
Randomize
