im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Randomize