I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Randomize
