I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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