I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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