you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
