i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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