I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
