why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
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