You know you want to come over later
1:27a: Um no
1:45a: Maybe
2:05a: Probably
2:38a: I'm outside, let me in
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
