You just took 4 shots. 2 of them were maple syrup.
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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