Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
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