i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
Where does dick fit into Maslow's hierarchy of needs?
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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