Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
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