Apparently at one point I was wearing my sweatshirt backwards like it was normal and then I threw up into the hood. Never drinking again.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I booty called her while she was in labor.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
