They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
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