Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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