WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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